Insensitivity and comfort
by Julimay
Summary: "I'm not spending the day with him! I'm reading a book. A book my mother gave me!" She was proud that she could hold on to anger. Otherwise she would have started crying. And she didn't want him to see her cry. Set on January 9th; season 3


I'm still searching for a beta-reader, so if someone is interested please don't hesitate to write a message.

I hope you like this little story.  
Have fun reading it.

o-o-o-o-o

She traced the words with her fingers. Carefully. Lingering on every letter for a second, painting it with her fingers.

 _Dear Katie,  
I don't know how this could happen but I totally forgot to buy you your annually book for Christmas. So I needed to grab one last minute. This is the book. I don't know the author but he looks ruggedly handsome, don't you think? I know, I know, don't judge a book from its cover. Or the author's looks in this case.  
I hope the book is enjoyable anyway. But at least I didn't broke our tradition.  
This is your 19_ _th_ _Christmas-present-book.  
Merry Christmas, honey.  
I love you,  
Mom _

Some of the letters were barely readable anymore from all the tears that had fallen onto them in the past 13 years.

Once her fingers had passed the last letter of her mom's words, she started to run them along the other words.

 _To Kate,  
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find the beauty in life again and grace the world with your smile. Even the tiniest upwards move of your lips is beautiful. I'm sure a real smile of yours has the power to make the world a better place. Thank you for letting me see a glimpse of that smile.  
Keep strong,  
Richard Castle _

His words made her smile and cry at the same time. She hadn't told him then that her mom had died. The day of the book signing. But he had known anyway. Just like he had figured it out again during the Tisdale case.

Now that she knew him she recognized that it was such a Castle-thing to say. She tried to smile. Like she did whenever she started to read one of his books. She whipped the tears away and turned the page. After a few pages she was tangled in the story, despite the fact that she had read it at least a hundred times, probably a lot more often. Especially on this day. January, 9th.

She was halfway through chapter five when there was a knock on the door. Who was that?

She didn't want to see anyone. And everybody knew that. Her dad knew (he felt the same). The boys knew. Captain Montgomery knew. Lanie knew. Even Castle knew. He had never even tried to talk to her about what she did that day. She was grateful for that. His sensitivity on the topic.

She just wanted to be left alone and read _In a Hail of bullets._

She considered to ignore the knocking. But it didn't stop, so she put the book down on the couch beside her and went to answer the door. Determined to get rid of the person there as fast as she could. She wasn't even dressed for company. She wore black leggings and her mom's favorite pullover. The clothing had been so much a part of her mother that Kate could still see her relaxing in it when she closed her eyes. The color was long faded and Kate didn't even know what the original color had been. Kate wore it only on her worst days. Days she allowed herself to cry for a whole day.

"Josh?" She was surprised and annoyed to see him at her door. He had told her he had to work so she hadn't bothered to tell him that she wanted to spend today alone. What was he doing here? He never stopped by unannounced. That was something she liked about him.

"Hi Kate", he gave her a big smile. Much too big for today. He didn't see how much his smile hurt her. She hated to see how unaffected other people were by her mother's death. It was nearly as bad as pity.

"I thought I would surprise you today. Get your thoughts of your mother's death" How could he say that so easily? Like it was nothing? Like it was some crush she could get over if someone just prevented some distraction?

He still grinned, clearly proud of himself for this "brilliant" idea. Kate fought tears. This was why she didn't want to see people on January, 9th. Because they didn't understand. Didn't understand what she needed.

"I made a reservation in this little restaurant you like so much" Josh continued, completely oblivious to the silent begging in Kate's eyes. Begging him to leave.

He looked at her and waited for her answer.  
"I don't want to go out" Kate was proud that she was able to keep her irritation on his being-here and his insensitivity out of her voice. It was a mistake to tell him the date of her mother's death. Maybe a mistake to tell him altogether.

"Oh, come on, Kate. Let me take your mind of things" Did he just say _things_?

"Look Josh, I appreciate your efforts" She didn't. "But all I want to do today is read, okay?"  
This time he caught the faint hint of anger in her voice. What he didn't caught was her silent plead for him to leave.

"Okay. I'm sorry" he said, but not really understanding what he had done wrong. "Let me at least make you some coffee. Sit down and read" Maybe this offer would be nice on every other day but today she didn't want to see him at all. Before she could think of a way to get him out of her apartment, he was heading for her kitchen.

Kate tried to decide if it was worth the effort to follow him, throw him out now and risk a fight. She decided she hadn't got the energy today. She sat down on the couch again and opened her book where she had left off. She would just tell Josh that she was tired after they finished coffee and ask him to leave.

A few minutes later he placed a cup of coffee on the coffee table in front of her and sat down beside her. Much to close for Kate's liking. _He is your boyfriend,_ she reminded herself, _he is allowed to be in your personal space._ She put some distance between them anyway. She wasn't in the mood for cuddling.

"What are you reading?"  
She was annoyed. She just held the book up for him to see, so she didn't have to answer him with words. Why couldn't he see that she just wanted to be left alone?

"Richard Castle?" Josh asked. "You are reading _his_ book?" There was something in his voice. Something Kate didn't like. Something that sounded like an accusation? Or jealousy? Maybe both?

"Yes", she said irritated. She didn't care to explain why his books meant so much to her. She just wasn't in the mood to talk.  
"Wow Kate", Josh said, suddenly angry. "You rather spend your day with _him_ than your boyfriend"

That got him her full attention. She looked at him in shock. She was _reading a book!_ What the hell was his problem? And how dare he to talk to her like this on the anniversary of her mother's murder.

"I'm not spending the day with him! I'm reading a book. A book my _mother_ gave me!" She was proud that she could hold on to anger. Otherwise she would have started crying. And she didn't want him to see her cry.

"God Kate. Your mother's death was more than a decade ago. Don't you think it's time to get over it? Life goes on, you know!" The moment the words left his mouth, Josh knew he had overstepped the line.

Kate stared at him open-mouthed. She couldn't form any coherent thoughts. But she knew that she was about to break apart and she needed Josh gone when it happened.

"Get out" She said, her voice icy. "We are done" She was so proud that her voice wasn't shaking. But her hands were. She curled them into fists and dug her fingernails in her palms.  
"Kate, I'm sor…" She just shook her head, glared at him and waited until he broke under her stare and left. No apology in the world could make the things he had said okay. When she heard the elevator leave her floor, Kate sunk down on the couch and started to sob.

 _Get over it? Life goes on?_

What an asshole!

She clutched the book to her chest and curled herself into a ball and cried and cried and cried. She hadn't felt this bad since the 5th anniversary of her mother's death.

After she had helped her dad got sober she was coping okay, she thought.  
In fact she had felt slightly better especially the last three years since she had met the author whose books had helped her cope the years before.

After what felt like hours she was able to stop crying. She uncurled herself and looked at her book. From the back of the book Castle was smiling at her. Not the smile she usually received. The one she got was way more genuine than this public persona smile. She wanted to see this smile. The smile he reserved for his family and close friends, for her. She caressed his picture with her fingertip. And before she could second-guess herself she wrote a message on her phone.

o-o-o-o-o

Richard Castle was bored. More than bored. He played with his phone while pretending to listen to Gina and all the other people from Black Pawn. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. He had done this at least for an hour now. These publishing/ book tour conferences were just the most boring thing he could imagine. 

Lock.  
 **You've got a new message from** _ **Beckett  
**_ Unlock. Crap, wrong password. Try again.  
Unlock.

 **Kate Beckett; January, 9** **th** **  
** _ **Can you come over?**_

Castle sprang up from his chair, called over his shoulder that he had to leave and ran out of the doors before anyone could say anything. He didn't care what any of them thought. Kate had just asked him to come over on the anniversary of her mother's death. Nothing was more important than get to her place as fast as he could.

Beckett had texted him. On _January, 9_ _th_. He knew she normally wanted to be alone that day. How miserable was she if she was asking him to come over? A thousand things were in his head while he jumped into a cab.

What should he do once he got there? Should he hug her? Should he act normal? Should he joke? Make her laugh? Keep silent? Bring her coffee?  
Yes! Coffee!  
Coffee was never a mistake.

He got a cup of her favorite coffee at the shop next to her building. After that he ran up the stairs and knocked on her door.

When she opened the door he wanted nothing more than to hug her and prevent her from ever getting hurt again. Her eyes were red and puffy, the pullover was five sizes too big and the skin under her nose was red from the over-usage of tissues.

"I brought you coffee" Castle said, holding the cup out for her. _Wow, very creative of you, Rick!_ He wanted to slam himself. But she didn't seem to mind.

"Thank you", she pulled the sleeve of the pullover back, so her hand was free to take the cup. She even gave him a weak smile but her voice was shaking. He smiled back at her, telling her that she was welcome. Neither of them spoke. Maybe she didn't want him to come in anymore? Maybe she had changed her mind.

"Do you want me to leave or stay?" he asked. "Whatever you want is fine with me, Kate" He kept his voice gentle. The last thing he wanted to do was to upset her on this day that was hard enough on her without his assistance.  
She opened the door wider and took a step back so he could come in.

"Sit?" she asked and pointed to her couch. He nodded and they sat down beside each other, a few inches between them. He didn't really know what to say, what she wanted him to say. Or if she wanted him to say anything at all.

After a while she started to speak, voice shaking.  
"He stopped by unannounced. He said I should get over it, that it was over a decade ago. That life goes on" Kate was surprised that she was telling him this. It would be easy for him to break her heart too. To tell her that Josh was right. But she trusted him. She trusted him to not her hurt her more.

Not needing to ask whom she was talking about, he said "I'm sorry, Kate". It was one of the first times that she didn't feel the need to throw up at these words. He meant them. She felt tears running down her face again but she didn't really mind Castle seeing them.

"Can I…I mean…Do you want me to…" Rick started, not really knowing if it was the right thing to do, to ask. "…hug you?"  
Instead of answering she closed the few inches between them and buried her face in his shoulder. His arms came around her and he hugged her tight, hoping he could give her some comfort.

It felt so good to be held by him. She felt like she could let go. She started to cry again. Just some silent tears at first, holding the sobs back.

"It's okay, Kate. You don't have to be strong right now. I admire your strength every day. You can let go now. It's only me." He didn't say _You will get over it._ She was so thankful for that that she cried even harder. The sobs started and her body was shaking with the force of each sob. Castle was holding her tight, holding her together, keeping her from falling to pieces.

"Shhh" he murmured. "I've got you. Just let it out."

She let herself cry as long as her body wanted to, feeling secure in his arms. The hands stroking her back soothed her and at some time the sobs subsided and the tears stopped. She still hid her face in his shoulder and still clutched his shirt in her hands.

He loosened his halt on her so she could pull away if she wanted to. But she stayed in his arms for a while longer before she pulled away.

"Thank you" she said again, the ghost of a smile on her lips.  
"Nothing to thank me for. We are partners. We are friends. It's my job" Castle said, smiling back and feeling incredibly happy that she had let him in.

Feeling brave, Kate said "I want us to be more"  
Rick felt his heart skip a beat before it started to go much faster than before.

"I want that too, Kate" he said, once he caught his breath. "I really, really want that. And we can work on that. But not tonight."

"Not tonight" she confirmed. Neither one of them wanted the start of their relationship to be overshadowed by her mother's murder. Or her break-up with Josh. But Kate felt happy and hopeful at the perspective of being with Rick in a foreseeable future.

Rick's gaze fell on the coffee table and the book laying there. Never before had he seen a book of his with so many signs of usage.  
" _In a Hail of bullets?"_ he asked.

Kate tried to decide if she should let him in on her secret or not. But finally she took the book and handed it to him.

He admired the signs of usage and silently asked Kate with his eyes if it was okay for him to open the book. She nodded and watched him read the words and saw him smiling.

"I knew you thought I am ruggedly handsome" he grinned mischievously but his eyes were shining suspiciously with something that looked like tears. Her mother's words and the fact that they were written in his book had got to him.

"My mom's words, not mine", she gave back, enjoying their normal banter.

"Mhm" he said, still grinning. But then he got more serious again. "I can't remember writing this" He pointed at his own handwriting below her mother's.

"It's okay. You meet a lot of people during a book signing. You can't remember all of them."

"But I would have liked to remember you. I should remember you. I normally don't write so much in a book. I mean, I'm glad I did but I just… would like to remember." He was way more upset about this than she would have thought.

"They helped me" she told him. "Your words. Every year I read the book and every time I start with my mom's words and continue with yours before I start to read. And I read this book at least ten times more over the year. But definitely every January 9th since the first anniversary." His ego didn't explode like she had expected. Instead he looked honored and about to cry.

"This is…wow…" He was speechless and touched. Not knowing what to do with the emotions that whirled around inside him he pulled Kate in a hug.

"Such a great honor for my worst book. I'm flattered." He joked but Kate could still see how much it meant to him.

She slapped him lightly against the chest "This is not your worst book. Actually, it's the best"  
"If you say so", he grinned.  
"Yes!" she grinned back. She hadn't felt this happy on January 9th since a long time.

Her gaze fell on the book and the bookmark sticking out.  
"Can you…" she started hesitantly. "I mean, would you mind…" She stopped.

"What do you want me to do?"  
His gentle tone made her brave.

"Can you read the rest of the book to me? I mean if you don't mind that is... I just… I can finish it on my own if you don't want. But I need to finish read it today. It's kind of a tradition…so…"she was rambling and it was cute but Rick interrupted her.  
"Of course I will read to you" He said. "But I want to hear the story behind this pullover first" He tugged at the sleeve of the clothing.

"How do you know there is a story?" Why was it that he always knew the right thing to say to cheer her up?

"I'm a writer", he answered, grinning. "It's my job to detect a story"  
Kate smiled back at him.  
"So you want to hear the story?" she asked, teasing him a little.

"Yes! Please tell!" He looked as excited as a little boy. It was cute.  
"Alright" Kate said. "But I'm not a great story teller."

"Just tell the story" he was getting impatient. She actually chuckled a little at him. Such a kid!

"Okay. So, this pullover belonged to my dad. It was his favorite and he wore it to his first date with my mother. They went skating. Cute right?

Of course my dad walked mom home at the end of the date. She was cold and he lent her his pullover like every gentleman would do.

Mom just never gave it back. She just kept it. Dad - of course - didn't mind. Especially after he saw that she was wearing it every Sunday after they moved in together.  
I was born on a Sunday. So she wore it when she gave birth to me and every Sunday we spent at home on the couch.

This pullover was so much a part of her and after she died I picked it from her wardrobe. I'm wearing it every January 9th and occasionally on other days I fell like crawling into bed and crying.  
I feel closer to here when I wear it.  
It's a miracle it's not falling apart from all the usage over the years."

Rick felt tears bricking the back of his eyes. Kate loved that he was so touched by her story. He didn't pretend that he cared. He really did.  
"This is a beautiful story, Kate", he whispered, feeling honored that she shared this with him.

Having had enough heavy moments for one day, Kate said "Are you going to read to me now, or what?"  
Feeling her need for lightness, he picked up the book and joked "Desperate to hear some of my incredibly good writing and reading skills, are you?"

"Stop babbling around and start reading" she ordered while she snuggled against him. He pulled her closer and opened the book where she had left the bookmark. _**  
**_**  
**


End file.
